Reflections On Being Fat

(Pictured: me, not fat, fitting into my ex-girlfriend's clothes)

It's hard for me to pinpoint the exact moment when I became fat. I was never thin, certainly, but I looked fine. Somewhere in Law School as I was slowly getting larger I passed from normal to fat. Since then, though, I have just seen being fat as a temporary condition. "Oh, I'm just fat right now. I'll get better soon." Like it was the flu or a broken arm.

How it's like having a broken arm:

• have to wear loose shirts
• can't go swimming
• not as good at sports
• look funny naked
• not as good at sex
• funny smells that you aren't used to
• people look at your handicap in public
• and your confidence drops significantly

The difference is that being fat doesn't just heal itself with a cast.

How to become fat (http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/)

• Typical order at Taco Bell: 4 Supreme Tacos, 1 Chicken Baja Chalupa, Nachos Bell Grande, and a Chicken Quesadilla. Estimated Price:$11
• Refusing to not finish every single thing you ordered, regardless of how full you are
• Naps, all the time

• Eat out at least 7 times a week
• Go to Law School and stop exercising nearly as much
• Pretty much every meal consists of a normal person's meal with the addition of another half to full meal
• El Vaquero: 4 Enchilada Dinner with Beans and Rice + 3 extra Tacos
• Lots of masturbating
• Netflix Membership

• Tiger Woods Golf
• Playing more Rummy than basketball
• Drinking to deal with problems including the problem of being fat

• Arby's: 3 Regular Roast Beef Sandwiches, Two Large Curly Fries, and Mozzarella Sticks (bonus: when they had 5 for 5.95 I decided to make the deal 10 for 11.90 once)
• Eating the rest of your girlfriend's meal when she has had the good sense to control her portions and not eat to the point of gluttony; must also make fun of her for not finishing to make the situation look extra ridiculous
• Cluck-U: Fried Chicken Sandwich w Mayo, French Fries, Gyro, and a Large order of Deep Fried Mushrooms
• Look up to John Daly as your hero and attempt to emulate him
• Participate in eating contests
• Elevator up one floor
• McDonald's: 2 Double Hamburgers, Two McChickens, Large Fry, and 5 Piece Nugget
• Eat Jenny's Ice Cream 15 times in less than two months
• Go Drinking with Joe Au
• Auntie Anne's Pretzels every time you go to the mall even after you've eaten

Why I Don't Want to Be Fat

• Clothes: Fit into Black Keys T-shirt and not look like a sausage, not have to give clothes to my little brother because they don't fit, I want to buy a really nice suit but I don't want it to be a fat size, clothes just look better when you are in better shape, I'd like to actually wear t-shirts again
• Athletics: I'm coordinated and good at sports, but it is a big set back to wheeze and take breaks throughout games. I always finish pick-up ball poorly because I'm out of juice and my legs won't work at the end.
• Physical Appearance: This is tied closely to the clothes thing. Your face looks better when it doesn't have extra fat around it. I want to have some nice jaw and chin definition (just one chin). Perhaps I could actually go to the pool and take my shirt off. I really won't go right now. Jay and I go to the APT gym under cover of night and then take a dip in the pool when no one is there. Girls also used to find me attractive and they don't seem to look twice anymore.
• I have a few comments stored in my brain that have been made to me, not intending to hurt my feelings but they made it clear that my being fat isn't a secret like my having HIV. I intend to erase those thoughts from every one's mind. I'm so fucking self-conscious all the time that being fat does not work.
• Before, we'll say in undergrad, my confidence was like a 15/10 now its like a 7/10. Still more than most people, but I'm not Valentine anymore.

I will lose at least 40 pounds in 6 months. GUARANSHEED!

Blister in the Sun

(Pictured: Blister)

Bryan and I went Rollerblading on Saturday, cause you know, what better time to do it than the middle of the afternoon on one of the hottest days of the year. We ended up going approximately 10-11 miles round trip. Lots of hills on this particular trail too, so that was both grueling and fun. Anyway, I made two regrettable mistakes: First was assuming there would be water fountains somewhere on the trail. I don't think I've ever experienced thirst quite like that before. Second was wearing shitty socks, cause I ended up forming a blister about the size of Connecticut on my left foot. Afterwards it also felt like all of the bones in my foot had been welded together, but that pain subsided rather quickly. Celebrated surviving this by going out and eating more than I should have, but I think I deserve it.
Other thoughts on the two week mark:
1) Once you get used to not eating anything tasty, its not quite as bad.
2) Frosted Mini-Wheats may be the world's perfect food (fuck you Chicita Bananas).
3) Exercise is getting easier, may have to ramp up the resistance on the cardio machines.
4) Enough spices can make any meat taste like any other meat (e.g. Turkey Italian Sausage)

Here's the updated diet/exercise log:
Wednesday: 1300 Calories; Light cardio workout; 20 minute sauna
Thursday: 1400 Calories; 20 minute intense cardio; 100 crunches; 100 girl pushups
Friday: 1300 Calories; Day off to rest back and prepare for rollerblading
Saturday: 1500 Calories (including delicious lobster ravioli); 10 mile rollerblade to death
Sunday: 1100 Calories; 25 minute intense cardio; 36 bench press reps; 20 min sauna

Questions for the Commish:
1) At dinner, the waitress brought out free ravioli appetizers and refilled my pink lemonade before I could switch to water. I have a hunch that Bryan made some calls and set this up to screw with me. Do I need proof, or can I go ahead and have him thrown to the lions?
2) Still trying to determine how to set up the prize payout for this thing, any thoughts?
3) We need a decision on another important matter: What is the ruling on alternative forms of weight loss, especially the days leading up to the weigh in? Can we go get colonics? What about giving blood or starving ourselves? Is this a no-holds barred competition? And what's this about the office being behind. Where does our endless revenue stream go to if not for quick rulings on these matters? That is all.

Top 5 Fat Actors:
5) Marlon Brando

4) George Wendt

3) Dan Akroyd/Harold Ramis: Seriously find a before/after picture of these guys. At least added a cumulative 150 lbs since the ghostbusters movies were made. The picture is of Harold Ramis (Egon) recently. Thats at least a 100 pound gain. Well played sir.

2) John Candy

1) John Goodman

Skype Calling You

QTs,

The office has been backed up, so you're requests will be answered shortly. However, we've bought some new equipment, meaning I'd like to see if we can get some interviews recorded shortly.

This means you'll need to download Skype here: www.skype.com, but also obtain a microphone.

SO. DO IT. DO IT NOW.

-The Commish