Reflections On Being Fat

(Pictured: me, not fat, fitting into my ex-girlfriend's clothes)

It's hard for me to pinpoint the exact moment when I became fat. I was never thin, certainly, but I looked fine. Somewhere in Law School as I was slowly getting larger I passed from normal to fat. Since then, though, I have just seen being fat as a temporary condition. "Oh, I'm just fat right now. I'll get better soon." Like it was the flu or a broken arm.

How it's like having a broken arm:

• have to wear loose shirts
• can't go swimming
• not as good at sports
• look funny naked
• not as good at sex
• funny smells that you aren't used to
• people look at your handicap in public
• and your confidence drops significantly

The difference is that being fat doesn't just heal itself with a cast.

How to become fat (http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/)

• Typical order at Taco Bell: 4 Supreme Tacos, 1 Chicken Baja Chalupa, Nachos Bell Grande, and a Chicken Quesadilla. Estimated Price:$11
• Refusing to not finish every single thing you ordered, regardless of how full you are
• Naps, all the time

• Eat out at least 7 times a week
• Go to Law School and stop exercising nearly as much
• Pretty much every meal consists of a normal person's meal with the addition of another half to full meal
• El Vaquero: 4 Enchilada Dinner with Beans and Rice + 3 extra Tacos
• Lots of masturbating
• Netflix Membership

• Tiger Woods Golf
• Playing more Rummy than basketball
• Drinking to deal with problems including the problem of being fat

• Arby's: 3 Regular Roast Beef Sandwiches, Two Large Curly Fries, and Mozzarella Sticks (bonus: when they had 5 for 5.95 I decided to make the deal 10 for 11.90 once)
• Eating the rest of your girlfriend's meal when she has had the good sense to control her portions and not eat to the point of gluttony; must also make fun of her for not finishing to make the situation look extra ridiculous
• Cluck-U: Fried Chicken Sandwich w Mayo, French Fries, Gyro, and a Large order of Deep Fried Mushrooms
• Look up to John Daly as your hero and attempt to emulate him
• Participate in eating contests
• Elevator up one floor
• McDonald's: 2 Double Hamburgers, Two McChickens, Large Fry, and 5 Piece Nugget
• Eat Jenny's Ice Cream 15 times in less than two months
• Go Drinking with Joe Au
• Auntie Anne's Pretzels every time you go to the mall even after you've eaten

Why I Don't Want to Be Fat

• Clothes: Fit into Black Keys T-shirt and not look like a sausage, not have to give clothes to my little brother because they don't fit, I want to buy a really nice suit but I don't want it to be a fat size, clothes just look better when you are in better shape, I'd like to actually wear t-shirts again
• Athletics: I'm coordinated and good at sports, but it is a big set back to wheeze and take breaks throughout games. I always finish pick-up ball poorly because I'm out of juice and my legs won't work at the end.
• Physical Appearance: This is tied closely to the clothes thing. Your face looks better when it doesn't have extra fat around it. I want to have some nice jaw and chin definition (just one chin). Perhaps I could actually go to the pool and take my shirt off. I really won't go right now. Jay and I go to the APT gym under cover of night and then take a dip in the pool when no one is there. Girls also used to find me attractive and they don't seem to look twice anymore.
• I have a few comments stored in my brain that have been made to me, not intending to hurt my feelings but they made it clear that my being fat isn't a secret like my having HIV. I intend to erase those thoughts from every one's mind. I'm so fucking self-conscious all the time that being fat does not work.
• Before, we'll say in undergrad, my confidence was like a 15/10 now its like a 7/10. Still more than most people, but I'm not Valentine anymore.

I will lose at least 40 pounds in 6 months. GUARANSHEED!