Reflections on the Obese

Ahh, fatties. My beloved pair of portly pugilists competing in this here weight-a-losin’ contest has inspired me to reflect on some of the great fat people of all time. After all, I grew up in the 9^th fattest state in the country, only to relocate to the 4^th. Which states are those? Look it up yourself, you lazy sack of goo. Expecting someone else to deliver that kind of information is why you have elastic in the waist band of your Dockers.

Obviously the most powerful fat guy was President William Howard Taft (I don’t think Jay’s No. 1 or 2 is fat enough to be “fat”), and any fifth grader knows he had to have a special bathtub made in the White House to fit his corpulence. Of course that was in the 19^th century, so with today’s much fatter population in 2009, we have a special name for an ass trough that size; it’s just called a bathtub.

John Candy was pretty fat and sort of funny. John Belushi was sort of fat and very funny. Chris Farley was of typical fat man fatness, and the funniest of them all. Based on this data, I cannot draw any conclusions between fatness and funniness. However I am only slightly fat and sporadically funny.

In Breakfast of Champions, Kurt Vonnegut says his penis is three inches long and five and a half inches wide. Vonnegut wasn’t really fat, but his penis was. And I bet it was hilarious.

Minnesota Fats played pool. Fat Lever played basketball, some of it against Minnesota. I always thought his porn name should be Skinny Fulcrum. But maybe his dong was laid out like Vonnegut’s, in which case Fat Lever is much more appropriate than Skinny Fulcrum. (Channeling famed fat man/NFL analyst/video game peddler/one time NFL coach/cheese eater John Madden: See, what he did there was select an antonym for the first name and a part-of-the-whole for the last name. This only works if both of your names are common nouns. This author’s are not, so his porn name is the combination of his middle name and the street he grew up on. So we would call him Booth West Mill. Boom.)

With all of these celebrities dying, don’t you think it’s John Madden’s turn?

I think Hollywood needs to get more creative in its depiction of fat guys. There are only two kinds, I think. The first is the surly fat guy. Eric Cartman is a great example, as is the fat kid from The Sandlot. And in the episode of Seinfeld where Jerry is at the dealership to get his new car from Putty, George and the mechanic that steals George’s Twix both count too. They all have chips on their shoulders because they’re afraid someone else might take their seventh oatmeal cream pie and force them to languish with only a half dozen. My brother fits this personality, but he’s 6’2” and 170 pounds. This is because he smokes. Ergo if you’re fat, you should probably smoke. You’ll still be an unhealthy asshole, but at least you’ll look better.

The second fat person archetype is the sympathetic face-stuffer-with-a-heart-of-gold, even though that heart won’t make it past age 35. I think of Donkey Lips from Nickelodeon’s Salute Your Shorts here, but you could make a case for Big Easy from Real World/Road Rules Challenge (no, he’s not a “real” person), the little girl witness in Southland , and the entire child cast of Heavyweights. These people never fail to make the Bambi “my mom is dead” face when someone honestly and legitimately questions their weight, seemingly always when the chub has half a Snickers in his mouth. But mostly, I identified this character so I could talk about Donkey Lips. That’s a top five character name of all time. And who was cutting Bobby Budnick’s hair? Did you ever wonder if the kid playing him was a Make-a-Wish kid and that ugly red mess was a wig?

She’s not a really fat person (and yes, she was chubby before she was pregnant), but I think Mirka Federer is an inspirational story for the world’s chunkers. Google Brooklyn Decker, Heather Mitts, Jennifer Scholle, or pretty much any other tennis player’s girlfriend. Even guys who can’t break the top 100 can pull at the highest level. But you’re telling me Roger Federer, one of the two greatest tennis players of all time, is going to pound town with that? I don’t believe it. But whether she’s his beard or has some kind of amazing blackmail dirt on him, good for Mirka. What Verne Troyer did for dwarves or elves or hobgoblins or whatever they’re supposed to be called, Mirka did for fat people. They should erect a bronze, inaccurately flattering statue for her.

People gave Beyonce crap because she made some catty comment about Jennifer Hudson gaining 20 pounds for “Dreamgirls” a few years ago. I’d be pissed too! Imagine if you had to work with a personal trainer five days a week in intense sessions because what sets you apart from every other good set of pipes is your looks. And then some less hot, worse singer comes along and wins an Oscar* because she ate an entire sleeve of Chips Ahoy every day for month.

(* This fact was not verified in any way. It might have been a Golden Globe. It might have been Queen Latifah Beyonce was dissing. It might have been Halle Berry doing the dissing. It might have been Thin Mints and not Chips Ahoy. The whole story might not be remotely true. Regardless, it’s how I remember it, so for my reality, it’s true. If your reality is contradictory, fuck you and your reality’s Wikipedia.)

There are a million cop-out explanations people have to defend fatties. One is that they’re “big boned.” Excuse me? Brontosauruses (brontosauri?) were big-boned. Blue whales are big-boned. Yao Ming is brittly big-boned. Your 5-5 hippopotamus of a friend is not big boned. It’s OK. I’m sure she just has bad genes. Oh, and can you please tell me again how it was a sign of wealth during the Renaissance to be obese? Is it 1492? Is your friend rich? Well, if my aunt had a package, she’d be my uncle.

Oh, and if you have a “slow metabolism” or a “glandular disorder” as I’m sure 99% of you fatties will declare, I’m so sorry. None of this applies to you. I’m just talking about the regular fatties who can do something about it like eat less and exercise more, such as Bryan and Jay. Good luck, guys!

One Day Into First Mini-Competition

Well it's been 30 hours since we both weighed in for the weight-loss week. Bryan and I are getting pretty competitive. Yesterday 900 calories were consumed....between the two of us. The liquid diet is going pretty well and I didn't eat any popcorn either, which put me at 450 cals max yesterday. I think Bryan was somewhere in that area too, although with the amount of Coke Zero he drinks, his life span has been cut down by about four years. On top of the liquid diet, I worked out yesterday...twice. Played basketball at the Forensic Center for about an hour and then did 25 minutes of HIIT. I'm pretty sure Bryan will crack before I do when it comes to putting in more calories, what with him being weak-willed and all.

Bryan and I had a discussion that calls for some viewer participation. We were talking about getting friends and family to sabotage each other (e.g. Bryan calling my girlfriend and encouraging her to take me to dinner somewhere). I argued that nobody would do that to me, cause everyone wants me to win. I'm pretty sure 80% of Bryan's friends/family would help me when and play dirty. Is there anyone out there who is really rooting for Bryan? Furthermore, is there anyone who doesn't think Bryan should accept my open hair vs. hair challenge? I didn't think so.

Top 5 Fat American Historical Figures:
5) Grover Cleveland: Mediocrity at it's best. The only president to serve two non-consecutive terms. His fatness led to many health problems including sleep apnea and gout.
4)Ulysses S. Grant: One of the best military strategists in American history, but only a mediocre president.
3) William Howard Taft: So fat he got stuck in the White House bath tub more than once. Inventor of the 7th inning stretch and the fattest president to ever hold the office. Also the only president to go on to serve on the Supreme Court.
2) Ben Franklin: Inventor of pretty much everything you use on a regular basis and founder of about a dozen public services (including fire departments apparently). Also a ladies man and the diplomat who got the French to save our asses in the American Revolution. Our national bird should have been a turkey.
1) Teddy Roosevelt: A man's man and one hell of an American. Set up the National Park System and the FDA and actually did some productive things during his terms in the white house. Over/Under on how many living things he killed for sport= 7,872.5. Also won the Nobel Peace Prize.

Calling All Assholes

A few questions here:

- Why exactly does the layout of this blog change every goddamn time I check the site?
- Why is Bryan so cute?

Also, the reason the weekly contest didn't make the interview cut because it was 25 minutes of bickering about the setup of the contest. So, it works better in text form.

I would like to announce that I'm looking for guest podcasters to offer commentary on the contest, or perhaps get conferenced in during our weekly sessions. All you'll need is Skype and a microphone.

The contests medical advisor, Dr. Kevin Weber, will be joining at some point to make awkward jokes. I'm also trying to get some SURPRISE podcasting guests.

So...yeah...look forward to that.

-The Commish

WRONG!

(Way to spell check your post, Jay. Don't worry, I'll even add a picture for you)

Bryan apparently thinks he can attack my strategy for winning this week without any consequences. He has taken it upon himself to refer to my diet as "ridiculous". This aggression will not stand. First of all, if anything is ridiculous, it is Bryan's plan to run 20 miles this week even though he is apparently plagued by a bad back. I've consulted with my personal team of doctors, which consists of:
1) Dr. James Andrews: Orthopedic surgeon of top athletes and several heavyweight champions.
2) Dr. Leo Spaceman: Specialties include fertility, meth addiction, and child psychiatry. Obtained his medical degree from the prestigious Ho Chi Minh City school of medicine.
3) Kevin Weber: Able to obtain whatever that drug was that killed Michael Jackson as well as handicapped parking passes.

4) Dr. Perry Cox: 20 plus years of internal medicine experience and a no-nonsense mentality to weight loss.

This cracked team has devised a diet that is sure to help me lose weight in the healthiest way possible. The diet consists primarily of fruit juice, slim fast, and one small bowl of popcorn for the next two and a half days. It's low on calories, high on nutrients, easily digestible and will also keep me regular. I plan on also revving up the cardio this week as well and only eating out once.

So what's ridiculous about this Bryan? I think I have a better word for it: SCIENCE. Because science is whatever we want it to be.

On another note, I would also like to mark the 29 day mark as the day when we became competitive in a negative way. I expect that one of us seriously injures the other by day 150.

Weekly Contest #1

The Beginning of Silly Contests

As discussed in part of the interview that didn't make the cut yesterday, Jay and I are going to begin weekly competitions to aggregate points for the 3 month weigh-in. The competitor who has won the most weekly competitions by weigh-in will receive a 5% bonus in regard to their portion of the playstation 3.

Example: if the weigh-in creates a 60/40 split and the person who lost the weigh-in won the most competitions the split will be adjusted to 55/45.

Contest #1

This week the contest is simply: who can lose the most weight in a week?

Starting weights: Bryan 203.6 - Jay: 231.4

Jay has already outlined a ridiculous plan to me that includes only popcorn and liquid.

I intend to run about 20 miles this week.

This Sunday's interview will be the end of the contest and the weigh-in.

Suggestions are welcome

We haven't determined what future competitions will consist of, however, they will certainly become more ridiculous. I proposed, and expect, contests that are detrimental to the ultimate goal so that the attempt to win the weekly contest has to be balanced with the desire to win the overall contest. Some type of eating contest or the like. Jay and I also discussed a heads-up poker challenge.

Please submit your most creative, ridiculous, and cruel contest ideas. If a sufficient amount of submissions are not obtained I will be contacting you.

Guest Blogger

I would like anyone of you who can write something entertaining that is at least tangentially related to this competition to be a guest blogger of the week or something like that. We'll be in touch.

Final Thought

This was written on the toilet. Enjoy.

Week 4 Audio Update

Well, shoot! Click the play button below to hear the audio update of these two assholes' desire to outfat one another. Topics include: difficulties, fattest people ever witnessed, Bryan failing at everything, and a wonderful John Daly impression. Please to enjoy: