RE: Multiple Questions

Gentlemen,

Still good to see you using this blogspace to air your pissing and moaning about losing weight. I'm still waiting to get Skype up and running on your end, so get off your fucking fat asses and get to it.

As for requests, it would be nice to see updated stats in just a separate post, so I don't have to filter through everything in order to see calorie numbers, etc. Also, when are we due for the next weigh-in?

Secondly, here are some answers to requests sent to the league offices recently:

1) At dinner, the waitress brought out free ravioli appetizers and refilled my pink lemonade before I could switch to water. I have a hunch that Bryan made some calls and set this up to screw with me. Do I need proof, or can I go ahead and have him thrown to the lions?

IF you'd like to investigate and see if there was any sort of foul play, be my guest. However, the league considers this competition first and foremost, meaning if Bryan did grease the wheels a bit, it's all in the name of sport. If Bryan was involved and you feel that goes against the specific rules of the contest, you must submit your complaint to the league office via courier mail within 10 days of the incident. Include pictures, signed statements and a SASE. But, I'm thinking that the logical answer is that the appetizers had been sitting underneath the refrigerator in the back all day, and the pink lemonade was actually pink-tinted liquid AIDS.

2) Still trying to determine how to set up the prize payout for this thing, any thoughts?

I think you should just wait until the end of the six months before any payouts. Price out a PS3 at the end of the three months, and both parties should submit their cash (75% from the loser, 25% from the winner) into a high-interest savings account. After the next three months, do the same with for the flat screen. If you two want to come closer on the flat screen, like 60/40, that's okay. The interest from that account can then be used as a cash bonus for the overall winner, which then must be wagered on exactly ONE hand of blackjack at the Greektown casino.

3) We need a decision on another important matter: What is the ruling on alternative forms of weight loss, especially the days leading up to the weigh in? Can we go get colonics? What about giving blood or starving ourselves? Is this a no-holds barred competition? And what's this about the office being behind. Where does our endless revenue stream go to if not for quick rulings on these matters?

While the league frowns upon resorting to unhealthy forms of weight loss, it was never considered illegal to use colonics, tooth extraction, blood-letting and/or flat out starving in order to meet weight. Consider this a weigh-in before wrestling or football. Whatever you feel is necessary to clear a win is all that matter. Also, the league office is handling several thousand other competition, not to mention a fucking REALITY SHOW, so delays are to be expected. The response time should be smaller going forward.

4) Does the severity of the injury or cause of the injury at any point nullify the contest? Please explain in an essay without using the letter P.

In a word, no. Injuries are just another struggle that needs to be overcome in order to win this contest. Short of death or dismemberment, you fuckers can just deal with it. This means you'll need to be careful when exercising, because too hard a session could cause injury, leaving you bedridden and immobile for a length of time. I should clarify though that it is against the rules to injure the jerk you're facing to the level of immobility. This means no knee bludgeoning or ankle caning. Finger-breaking and thumbs to the eyes are okay. So are GTS's, Mic Checks, Rock Bottoms and Diamond Cutters. But, if I see one fucking Kanyon Cutter, RKO or Stunner, consider yourself DQed. We're bound by Queensbury rules here.

-The Commish