Weekly Contest #1

The Beginning of Silly Contests

As discussed in part of the interview that didn't make the cut yesterday, Jay and I are going to begin weekly competitions to aggregate points for the 3 month weigh-in. The competitor who has won the most weekly competitions by weigh-in will receive a 5% bonus in regard to their portion of the playstation 3.

Example: if the weigh-in creates a 60/40 split and the person who lost the weigh-in won the most competitions the split will be adjusted to 55/45.

Contest #1

This week the contest is simply: who can lose the most weight in a week?

Starting weights: Bryan 203.6 - Jay: 231.4

Jay has already outlined a ridiculous plan to me that includes only popcorn and liquid.

I intend to run about 20 miles this week.

This Sunday's interview will be the end of the contest and the weigh-in.

Suggestions are welcome

We haven't determined what future competitions will consist of, however, they will certainly become more ridiculous. I proposed, and expect, contests that are detrimental to the ultimate goal so that the attempt to win the weekly contest has to be balanced with the desire to win the overall contest. Some type of eating contest or the like. Jay and I also discussed a heads-up poker challenge.

Please submit your most creative, ridiculous, and cruel contest ideas. If a sufficient amount of submissions are not obtained I will be contacting you.

Guest Blogger

I would like anyone of you who can write something entertaining that is at least tangentially related to this competition to be a guest blogger of the week or something like that. We'll be in touch.

Final Thought

This was written on the toilet. Enjoy.

Week 4 Audio Update

Well, shoot! Click the play button below to hear the audio update of these two assholes' desire to outfat one another. Topics include: difficulties, fattest people ever witnessed, Bryan failing at everything, and a wonderful John Daly impression. Please to enjoy:

Testing, Is This On?

We're trying out the podcasting material for our site. Please, do not be alarmed. This is a test post.

The Winner's Weigh In

I just read Bryan's weigh-in post and thought I would add one that was actually encouraging. My current weight is a gentleman's 229.4. For those of you bad at simple subtraction, that is a current loss of 18 pounds. I believe that until the competition ends, we need a championship belt that changes hands whenever someone takes a lead.
In other news, we went rollerblading again yesterday and then I ate the first true junk-food I've had (a delicious kosher nathan's hot dog from Sam's club. Bryan ate one too, so I figure it's a wash. The rollerblading caused 2 new blisters. One on top of the old blister and one very close, but not touching the old blister. For you geography buffs at home, that would make the old blister South Africa instead of Connecticut (With a Lesotho-sized blister inside it and a Madagascar blister just to the East). It's thoughts like this that keep me from being successful.
Calorie count later today.

Record Setting

I went to a wedding with Laura over the weekend and as a result I set the competition record for most calories consumed in a day at about 4,500. In this post I will detail what I ate.

Friday night I picked her up from the airport. That night I ate soft pretzels and cream cheese, Bob Evans mashed potatoes, and had two drinks. 2600 calorie day.

Saturday was the wedding in Toledo. On the way down we stopped at Jimmy John's and I consumed a roast beef sandwich with double meat, cheese, and mayonaise. I also ate a bag of jalapeno chips. After the ceremony and before the reception we went to the mall where I had a large Chocolate Coffee Cooler; had to be 600 calories at least. Went to the wedding and had two drinks along with a full plate of the buffet dinner (not selectively choosing my food either) and I shared 3 cupcakes with Laura. That day would still be acceptable if I stopped there. But I went to Denny's and got the sampler with ranch dipping sauce and, of course, pancake puppies. For an estimated total of 4,500 calories. I am a fat pig.

I love Bears.

Thinking about those two days makes it clear why I need to participate in a competition. Those wold be normal days for me prior to the competition.

Prize Structure

Jay and I conferred and have come to a conclusion on the structure for paying for the prizes:

Difference in lbs / percentage paid for prize (loser paying the greater portion, obviously)

0-2 lbs - 50/50

2.1-5 - 60/40

5.1-10 - 70/30

10.1-20 - 80/20

20.1-30 - 90/10

over 30 - 100/0

I came across this picture and I had to post it. It looks like a penis, just like the trophy for this weight loss competition, except our trophy will be a real penis.

Additionally, Skipper, we have signed up for skype. I did so last week immediately after your call for action. So get ready to interview the contestants.

3 Week Weigh-in

This kind of performance would make me smash my tennis racquet, kick a basketball, throw pasta, or toss baby powder across the room.

After 3 weeks I weigh 204.8 lbs.

That is a total loss of 9.4 lbs. In the grand scheme that is good and I have been relatively vigilant regarding my diet and exercise. For this competition, though, I need to pick up the pace. I am going to start training for long distance running to supplement the rest of my exercise. I don't have any particular goals as of yet.

Exercise and Calories:

Friday 6/26- (1700) Golf; walked 18 and carried the bag

Saturday 6/27- (1500) Rollerblading for about 1 hr 20 mins; roughly 11 miles

Sunday 6/28- (1700) Calisthenic Circuits: Henceforth this will refer to a series of exercises that I do without a break in order to add a cardio element. A typical circuit that I do involves bicep curls, triceps, chest press, abdominal leg lifts, and jump rope. I do three sets of each one after another.

Monday 6/29- (1900) Golf

Tuesday 6/30- (1700) Tennis

Wednesday 7/1- (1600) HIIT and Weights

Thursday 7/2- (1500) Golf

Friday 7/3- (2600) Circuits

Saturday 7/4- (4500) Laura was in town for a wedding and we ate Denny's; no "official" exercise

Sunday 7/5- (1700) HIIT and Circuits

Monday 7-6- (1500) Rollerblading; about 1:20

RE: Multiple Questions

Gentlemen,

Still good to see you using this blogspace to air your pissing and moaning about losing weight. I'm still waiting to get Skype up and running on your end, so get off your fucking fat asses and get to it.

As for requests, it would be nice to see updated stats in just a separate post, so I don't have to filter through everything in order to see calorie numbers, etc. Also, when are we due for the next weigh-in?

Secondly, here are some answers to requests sent to the league offices recently:

1) At dinner, the waitress brought out free ravioli appetizers and refilled my pink lemonade before I could switch to water. I have a hunch that Bryan made some calls and set this up to screw with me. Do I need proof, or can I go ahead and have him thrown to the lions?

IF you'd like to investigate and see if there was any sort of foul play, be my guest. However, the league considers this competition first and foremost, meaning if Bryan did grease the wheels a bit, it's all in the name of sport. If Bryan was involved and you feel that goes against the specific rules of the contest, you must submit your complaint to the league office via courier mail within 10 days of the incident. Include pictures, signed statements and a SASE. But, I'm thinking that the logical answer is that the appetizers had been sitting underneath the refrigerator in the back all day, and the pink lemonade was actually pink-tinted liquid AIDS.

2) Still trying to determine how to set up the prize payout for this thing, any thoughts?

I think you should just wait until the end of the six months before any payouts. Price out a PS3 at the end of the three months, and both parties should submit their cash (75% from the loser, 25% from the winner) into a high-interest savings account. After the next three months, do the same with for the flat screen. If you two want to come closer on the flat screen, like 60/40, that's okay. The interest from that account can then be used as a cash bonus for the overall winner, which then must be wagered on exactly ONE hand of blackjack at the Greektown casino.

3) We need a decision on another important matter: What is the ruling on alternative forms of weight loss, especially the days leading up to the weigh in? Can we go get colonics? What about giving blood or starving ourselves? Is this a no-holds barred competition? And what's this about the office being behind. Where does our endless revenue stream go to if not for quick rulings on these matters?

While the league frowns upon resorting to unhealthy forms of weight loss, it was never considered illegal to use colonics, tooth extraction, blood-letting and/or flat out starving in order to meet weight. Consider this a weigh-in before wrestling or football. Whatever you feel is necessary to clear a win is all that matter. Also, the league office is handling several thousand other competition, not to mention a fucking REALITY SHOW, so delays are to be expected. The response time should be smaller going forward.

4) Does the severity of the injury or cause of the injury at any point nullify the contest? Please explain in an essay without using the letter P.

In a word, no. Injuries are just another struggle that needs to be overcome in order to win this contest. Short of death or dismemberment, you fuckers can just deal with it. This means you'll need to be careful when exercising, because too hard a session could cause injury, leaving you bedridden and immobile for a length of time. I should clarify though that it is against the rules to injure the jerk you're facing to the level of immobility. This means no knee bludgeoning or ankle caning. Finger-breaking and thumbs to the eyes are okay. So are GTS's, Mic Checks, Rock Bottoms and Diamond Cutters. But, if I see one fucking Kanyon Cutter, RKO or Stunner, consider yourself DQed. We're bound by Queensbury rules here.

-The Commish

Reflections On Being Fat

(Pictured: me, not fat, fitting into my ex-girlfriend's clothes)

It's hard for me to pinpoint the exact moment when I became fat. I was never thin, certainly, but I looked fine. Somewhere in Law School as I was slowly getting larger I passed from normal to fat. Since then, though, I have just seen being fat as a temporary condition. "Oh, I'm just fat right now. I'll get better soon." Like it was the flu or a broken arm.

How it's like having a broken arm:

• have to wear loose shirts
• can't go swimming
• not as good at sports
• look funny naked
• not as good at sex
• funny smells that you aren't used to
• people look at your handicap in public
• and your confidence drops significantly

The difference is that being fat doesn't just heal itself with a cast.

How to become fat (http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/)

• Typical order at Taco Bell: 4 Supreme Tacos, 1 Chicken Baja Chalupa, Nachos Bell Grande, and a Chicken Quesadilla. Estimated Price:$11
• Refusing to not finish every single thing you ordered, regardless of how full you are
• Naps, all the time

• Eat out at least 7 times a week
• Go to Law School and stop exercising nearly as much
• Pretty much every meal consists of a normal person's meal with the addition of another half to full meal
• El Vaquero: 4 Enchilada Dinner with Beans and Rice + 3 extra Tacos
• Lots of masturbating
• Netflix Membership

• Tiger Woods Golf
• Playing more Rummy than basketball
• Drinking to deal with problems including the problem of being fat

• Arby's: 3 Regular Roast Beef Sandwiches, Two Large Curly Fries, and Mozzarella Sticks (bonus: when they had 5 for 5.95 I decided to make the deal 10 for 11.90 once)
• Eating the rest of your girlfriend's meal when she has had the good sense to control her portions and not eat to the point of gluttony; must also make fun of her for not finishing to make the situation look extra ridiculous
• Cluck-U: Fried Chicken Sandwich w Mayo, French Fries, Gyro, and a Large order of Deep Fried Mushrooms
• Look up to John Daly as your hero and attempt to emulate him
• Participate in eating contests
• Elevator up one floor
• McDonald's: 2 Double Hamburgers, Two McChickens, Large Fry, and 5 Piece Nugget
• Eat Jenny's Ice Cream 15 times in less than two months
• Go Drinking with Joe Au
• Auntie Anne's Pretzels every time you go to the mall even after you've eaten

Why I Don't Want to Be Fat

• Clothes: Fit into Black Keys T-shirt and not look like a sausage, not have to give clothes to my little brother because they don't fit, I want to buy a really nice suit but I don't want it to be a fat size, clothes just look better when you are in better shape, I'd like to actually wear t-shirts again
• Athletics: I'm coordinated and good at sports, but it is a big set back to wheeze and take breaks throughout games. I always finish pick-up ball poorly because I'm out of juice and my legs won't work at the end.
• Physical Appearance: This is tied closely to the clothes thing. Your face looks better when it doesn't have extra fat around it. I want to have some nice jaw and chin definition (just one chin). Perhaps I could actually go to the pool and take my shirt off. I really won't go right now. Jay and I go to the APT gym under cover of night and then take a dip in the pool when no one is there. Girls also used to find me attractive and they don't seem to look twice anymore.
• I have a few comments stored in my brain that have been made to me, not intending to hurt my feelings but they made it clear that my being fat isn't a secret like my having HIV. I intend to erase those thoughts from every one's mind. I'm so fucking self-conscious all the time that being fat does not work.
• Before, we'll say in undergrad, my confidence was like a 15/10 now its like a 7/10. Still more than most people, but I'm not Valentine anymore.

I will lose at least 40 pounds in 6 months. GUARANSHEED!

Blister in the Sun

(Pictured: Blister)

Bryan and I went Rollerblading on Saturday, cause you know, what better time to do it than the middle of the afternoon on one of the hottest days of the year. We ended up going approximately 10-11 miles round trip. Lots of hills on this particular trail too, so that was both grueling and fun. Anyway, I made two regrettable mistakes: First was assuming there would be water fountains somewhere on the trail. I don't think I've ever experienced thirst quite like that before. Second was wearing shitty socks, cause I ended up forming a blister about the size of Connecticut on my left foot. Afterwards it also felt like all of the bones in my foot had been welded together, but that pain subsided rather quickly. Celebrated surviving this by going out and eating more than I should have, but I think I deserve it.
Other thoughts on the two week mark:
1) Once you get used to not eating anything tasty, its not quite as bad.
2) Frosted Mini-Wheats may be the world's perfect food (fuck you Chicita Bananas).
3) Exercise is getting easier, may have to ramp up the resistance on the cardio machines.
4) Enough spices can make any meat taste like any other meat (e.g. Turkey Italian Sausage)

Here's the updated diet/exercise log:
Wednesday: 1300 Calories; Light cardio workout; 20 minute sauna
Thursday: 1400 Calories; 20 minute intense cardio; 100 crunches; 100 girl pushups
Friday: 1300 Calories; Day off to rest back and prepare for rollerblading
Saturday: 1500 Calories (including delicious lobster ravioli); 10 mile rollerblade to death
Sunday: 1100 Calories; 25 minute intense cardio; 36 bench press reps; 20 min sauna

Questions for the Commish:
1) At dinner, the waitress brought out free ravioli appetizers and refilled my pink lemonade before I could switch to water. I have a hunch that Bryan made some calls and set this up to screw with me. Do I need proof, or can I go ahead and have him thrown to the lions?
2) Still trying to determine how to set up the prize payout for this thing, any thoughts?
3) We need a decision on another important matter: What is the ruling on alternative forms of weight loss, especially the days leading up to the weigh in? Can we go get colonics? What about giving blood or starving ourselves? Is this a no-holds barred competition? And what's this about the office being behind. Where does our endless revenue stream go to if not for quick rulings on these matters? That is all.

Top 5 Fat Actors:
5) Marlon Brando

4) George Wendt

3) Dan Akroyd/Harold Ramis: Seriously find a before/after picture of these guys. At least added a cumulative 150 lbs since the ghostbusters movies were made. The picture is of Harold Ramis (Egon) recently. Thats at least a 100 pound gain. Well played sir.

2) John Candy

1) John Goodman