Reflections On Being Fat

(Pictured: me, not fat, fitting into my ex-girlfriend's clothes)

It's hard for me to pinpoint the exact moment when I became fat. I was never thin, certainly, but I looked fine. Somewhere in Law School as I was slowly getting larger I passed from normal to fat. Since then, though, I have just seen being fat as a temporary condition. "Oh, I'm just fat right now. I'll get better soon." Like it was the flu or a broken arm.

How it's like having a broken arm:

• have to wear loose shirts
• can't go swimming
• not as good at sports
• look funny naked
• not as good at sex
• funny smells that you aren't used to
• people look at your handicap in public
• and your confidence drops significantly

The difference is that being fat doesn't just heal itself with a cast.

How to become fat (http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/)

• Typical order at Taco Bell: 4 Supreme Tacos, 1 Chicken Baja Chalupa, Nachos Bell Grande, and a Chicken Quesadilla. Estimated Price:$11
• Refusing to not finish every single thing you ordered, regardless of how full you are
• Naps, all the time

• Eat out at least 7 times a week
• Go to Law School and stop exercising nearly as much
• Pretty much every meal consists of a normal person's meal with the addition of another half to full meal
• El Vaquero: 4 Enchilada Dinner with Beans and Rice + 3 extra Tacos
• Lots of masturbating
• Netflix Membership

• Tiger Woods Golf
• Playing more Rummy than basketball
• Drinking to deal with problems including the problem of being fat

• Arby's: 3 Regular Roast Beef Sandwiches, Two Large Curly Fries, and Mozzarella Sticks (bonus: when they had 5 for 5.95 I decided to make the deal 10 for 11.90 once)
• Eating the rest of your girlfriend's meal when she has had the good sense to control her portions and not eat to the point of gluttony; must also make fun of her for not finishing to make the situation look extra ridiculous
• Cluck-U: Fried Chicken Sandwich w Mayo, French Fries, Gyro, and a Large order of Deep Fried Mushrooms
• Look up to John Daly as your hero and attempt to emulate him
• Participate in eating contests
• Elevator up one floor
• McDonald's: 2 Double Hamburgers, Two McChickens, Large Fry, and 5 Piece Nugget
• Eat Jenny's Ice Cream 15 times in less than two months
• Go Drinking with Joe Au
• Auntie Anne's Pretzels every time you go to the mall even after you've eaten

Why I Don't Want to Be Fat

• Clothes: Fit into Black Keys T-shirt and not look like a sausage, not have to give clothes to my little brother because they don't fit, I want to buy a really nice suit but I don't want it to be a fat size, clothes just look better when you are in better shape, I'd like to actually wear t-shirts again
• Athletics: I'm coordinated and good at sports, but it is a big set back to wheeze and take breaks throughout games. I always finish pick-up ball poorly because I'm out of juice and my legs won't work at the end.
• Physical Appearance: This is tied closely to the clothes thing. Your face looks better when it doesn't have extra fat around it. I want to have some nice jaw and chin definition (just one chin). Perhaps I could actually go to the pool and take my shirt off. I really won't go right now. Jay and I go to the APT gym under cover of night and then take a dip in the pool when no one is there. Girls also used to find me attractive and they don't seem to look twice anymore.
• I have a few comments stored in my brain that have been made to me, not intending to hurt my feelings but they made it clear that my being fat isn't a secret like my having HIV. I intend to erase those thoughts from every one's mind. I'm so fucking self-conscious all the time that being fat does not work.
• Before, we'll say in undergrad, my confidence was like a 15/10 now its like a 7/10. Still more than most people, but I'm not Valentine anymore.

I will lose at least 40 pounds in 6 months. GUARANSHEED!

Blister in the Sun

(Pictured: Blister)

Bryan and I went Rollerblading on Saturday, cause you know, what better time to do it than the middle of the afternoon on one of the hottest days of the year. We ended up going approximately 10-11 miles round trip. Lots of hills on this particular trail too, so that was both grueling and fun. Anyway, I made two regrettable mistakes: First was assuming there would be water fountains somewhere on the trail. I don't think I've ever experienced thirst quite like that before. Second was wearing shitty socks, cause I ended up forming a blister about the size of Connecticut on my left foot. Afterwards it also felt like all of the bones in my foot had been welded together, but that pain subsided rather quickly. Celebrated surviving this by going out and eating more than I should have, but I think I deserve it.
Other thoughts on the two week mark:
1) Once you get used to not eating anything tasty, its not quite as bad.
2) Frosted Mini-Wheats may be the world's perfect food (fuck you Chicita Bananas).
3) Exercise is getting easier, may have to ramp up the resistance on the cardio machines.
4) Enough spices can make any meat taste like any other meat (e.g. Turkey Italian Sausage)

Here's the updated diet/exercise log:
Wednesday: 1300 Calories; Light cardio workout; 20 minute sauna
Thursday: 1400 Calories; 20 minute intense cardio; 100 crunches; 100 girl pushups
Friday: 1300 Calories; Day off to rest back and prepare for rollerblading
Saturday: 1500 Calories (including delicious lobster ravioli); 10 mile rollerblade to death
Sunday: 1100 Calories; 25 minute intense cardio; 36 bench press reps; 20 min sauna

Questions for the Commish:
1) At dinner, the waitress brought out free ravioli appetizers and refilled my pink lemonade before I could switch to water. I have a hunch that Bryan made some calls and set this up to screw with me. Do I need proof, or can I go ahead and have him thrown to the lions?
2) Still trying to determine how to set up the prize payout for this thing, any thoughts?
3) We need a decision on another important matter: What is the ruling on alternative forms of weight loss, especially the days leading up to the weigh in? Can we go get colonics? What about giving blood or starving ourselves? Is this a no-holds barred competition? And what's this about the office being behind. Where does our endless revenue stream go to if not for quick rulings on these matters? That is all.

Top 5 Fat Actors:
5) Marlon Brando

4) George Wendt

3) Dan Akroyd/Harold Ramis: Seriously find a before/after picture of these guys. At least added a cumulative 150 lbs since the ghostbusters movies were made. The picture is of Harold Ramis (Egon) recently. Thats at least a 100 pound gain. Well played sir.

2) John Candy

1) John Goodman

Skype Calling You

QTs,

The office has been backed up, so you're requests will be answered shortly. However, we've bought some new equipment, meaning I'd like to see if we can get some interviews recorded shortly.

This means you'll need to download Skype here: www.skype.com, but also obtain a microphone.

SO. DO IT. DO IT NOW.

-The Commish

Michael Jackson loses weight!

I imagine that if he were participating in a weight loss challenge he would win. According to the Commissioner's rules, though, his body would have to be left alone until the competition was over. Either way I'm glad he's not in this competition because he no longer needs food and he will have to spend the rest of eternity doing the Thriller dance, and we all know that dancing burns calories.

First a quick plug for the websites I use for assistance and information:

http://fitnessblackbook.com/

This guy has a whole philosophy that I like and his posts are pretty short but informative. It's my go to site for little tips here and there.

http://fitday.com/

This is where I record my calories and exercise. Its free and it tracks your progress for you.

Calories and Exercise:

Friday 6/19- (2200) Didn't exercise due to back; drank :(

Saturday 6/20- (1900) Another day off because of my back; Drank with Joe Au :)

Sunday 6/21- (2100) Weights, abs, and jump rope

Monday 6/22- (1700) Ran more than 2 miles, Played Tennis with Taylor, and did weights and abs at the gym with Jay

Tuesday 6/23- (2050) Sore after the day before, High Intensity Interval Training with Jay (sprints)

Wednesday 6/24- (1100) Day off; recovery

Thursday 6/25- (1800) HIIT, wieghts and abs

Notes: I don't do any exercise that focuses on building leg muscle. I want to slowly lose some leg mass so that I look more trim in dress pants. When I lift weights I really just do biceps and triceps to tone, so I lift heavy weights for low reps. I would like to have a body similar to Roger Federer or the guy on Burn Notice. I hate crunches so I either do situps on an incline bench or leg lifts for my ab workout. The incline bench is awesome; it tears you up. HIIT is great. It pumps up your metabolism, it only takes 20 minutes, its not that hard, your endurance soars after a few weeks, and it makes it easy to lose weight.

I eliminated the vegetarian tacos from my diet because they had more calories than I wanted because I always had to eat something else with them to get full. My diet consists generally of the following:

Salad - with lots of shit in it including beans and meat

Soup

Cereal

Nuts

Bananas

Toast

V8

Vitamin Water 10

Coke Zero

Healthy Choice Cafe Steamers

Updated Calorie Count

Here's some more data to be examined/manipulated/fabricated:
Thursday: Total Cals= 1350; 40 minute endurance cardio, 100 crunches, 60 pushups
Friday: Total Cals= 1270; 20 minute intense cardio, 100 crunches, 60 pushups
Saturday: Total Cals= 1400; no workout
Sunday: Total Cals= 1325; 30 minute endurance cardio, 100 crunches, 60 pushups, 30 minute sauna
Monday:Total Cals=1450; 20 minute intense cardio, 30 minute sauna, 60 pushups

Bryan and I are currently trying to settle how the payouts for the prizes should work. We are settled that the 90 day prize is a PS3 and the 180 day prize a flatscreen. Should the closeness of the competition influence prixe payouts (i.e. winner pays 25% loser pays 75% if not as close, players pay closer to 50/50 if very close)? This question is for the commissioner as well as the fans.

Speaking of the fans, there is entirely too little gambling going on related to this competition. Leave comments discussing bets that are being made. Here are a few examples:
1) Over/Under of how many days before Jay falls off the wagon and eats fast food: 35.5
2) Over/Under of how many days before Bryan gets a major injury: 45.5
3) 20/1 payout if one of us ends up in the hospital
4) 50/1 payout if one of us dies
5) Over/under on Jay's resting heart rate after 30 days: 85
6) Over/under on Bryan's resting heart rate while losing in cards to Jay: 456
These are just a few examples. I'm sure you can find people to bet.

Also to the commissioner, Bryan and I need a ruling regarding injuries suffered during the competition. Does the severity of the injury or cause of the injury at any point nullify the contest? Please explain in an essay without using the letter P.

Top 5 fat professional athletes:

5) Gump Worsley: One of the classic alltime old-school goalies for the Habs during the 60's. Played 25 years without a helmet and only retired because he was afraid of flying. Not that fat, but put on more pounds later in life.

4) Jerome Bettis/ Ron Dayne: I couldn't give either one of them the spot because their only job was to run 3 yards and fall down. The power running back/fullback may be one of the only positions where the extra weight is an advantage. Also get extra kudos for stealing fantasy points from players who would run 40 yard drives and then leave the field so a hulking fat maniac could drive the ball 2 more yards. How does Bettis' heart still work after being fat, and inhaling nothing but coal fumes and garbage for an entire career.

3) Shaq: Has made a career of just being so damn big that nobody can stop him. Changed the way the NBA was played.

2) John Daly: As Bryan mentioned earlier, JD has made a living of using his excess weight to drive a ball further than anyone on the tour. Also the only golfer to be sponsered by hooters as well as losing said sponsorship for abusing their free wings and beer policy in his contract. Daly's antics may eventually merit a post of their own. Not to mention he was at once one of the best at his sport, winning 2 grand slam events (the British Open and PGA Championship).

1) Babe Ruth: Although I don't like him half as much as Ty Cobb, the fact that he was one of the best players in a sport with such a history merits the number one spot. Many different stories floating around about him eating/drinking during games. Proof that fat people can be good at sports that don't involve endurance running.

Honorable mention to every first baseman during the 1990's: Kirby Puckett personifies this, especially since he ate himself to death. Regards also to Cecil Fielder, Albert Belle, Post-Roids Mark McGuire, Jason Giambi etc.

RE: Death During Competition

Gentlemen,

Your request for a ruling has been received by the league office. After reading several of the leagues bylaws, as well as discussing the matter with league lawyers, the official ruling is that you've signed up for a six month competition, and by god the fans will get a six month competition.

However, if one of you were to expire before those six months, your body will need to remain in the apartment until the end of the competition (in order for weigh-ins and the like), or brought back to quasi-life via voodoo magic or you will forfeit the challenge.

Cremation can not occur until after the competition. Secondly, the PS3 will not be buried with the winner, but rather will be the only thing buried in the winner's coffin. Their corpse will be dumped upside down and naked on the side of I-75. The flat-screen television will be installed in your apartment, but must contain a live picture-in-picture image of the winner's burial site as they continue to decompose and win the competition.

I am Phil Mickelson

A week has passed. My present weight is 210.4 lbs. That is a mere 3.8 pounds lost in a week.

I'm not keeping pace with my competitor, yet. I am reassured, however. I only exercised a few times last week due to my back spasms. Additionally, I drank twice. So I still did pretty well. Unlike my colleague I am going to ease into the competition so that it is more comfortable and sustainable; my will power is not anything compared to Jay's.

Fitness update:

My resting heart rate is ... 52 bpm. That's right, go fuck yourself. Even though I am fat I am in pretty good cardiovascular shape.

I went for a run today. I ran for 19:38 (that's how long it took to get back to the car). I ran the whole time at a pace better than a fat person would run ( so a little over 2 miles). I could have gone a half hour without dying.

Which brings me to the title of the post. Phil Mickelson, aka "Bitch Tits," was a good athlete and fat. Then he decided that he wanted to deserve his attractive wife and wear cool golf shirts, so he lost and is still losing weight. I'm soaking wet just thinking about him. He had the ability to give his wife breast cancer with the radiance of his hotness. That's so inspiring; I intend to hand out cancer like candy when I have completed my sexification.

And here's a picture of John Daly the greatest fat athlete:

When we get the multimedia going we'll make sure to have Morty do his impression of Johnny D, it's perfect.

Do yourself a big favor and google image search for John Daly (turn safe mode off of course). It's hilarious and perfect. A mug shot, girls with Johnny D (both of them topless), cigarettes, wives, beer...etc.

A Letter to the Commish

Dear Commissioner,
Bryan and I have a dispute which needs settled. The topic at hand is what happens if one person in the competition dies. I maintain that the competition continue post mortem, the competitor's corpse is weighed, and the appropriate losses are removed from his estate. If he wins, he can be barried with the PS3, but the TV is left in the apartment with a memorial plaque. Bryan thinks the competition should be a wash. Also, can th corpse be embalmed, buried, and exhumed, or must it remain in an area where the elements can do what they may.
Thank you for your time,
Jay

A Brief Rebuttal

(Edited by Bryan to include pictures)

I would first like to respond to different things I've heard about the "crash diet" that my first update post seemed to imply. First, the calorie counter for thursday is wrong and only accounts up until I posted. Since thursday, every day has included at least 1000 calories. The plan was to cut alot out and slowly bring it back to a healthy diet (e.g. 1400-1600 cals a day). Everyone I talk to says the same basic message of "You'll lose alot of weight but put it back on when you start eating again". This would be true if I went right back up to a 2600 cal a day diet when I stopped dieting, but hopefully that won't happen. The trick is to slowly ween off of the diet. Let's also take a look at the first part of the message shall we: "You'll lose alot of weight..." sounds good to me. Stop being a downer with that second part.
I would also like to formally announce my weight after exactly one week of the competition. I am now down to a gentleman's 138.0. That calculates to a total weight loss of 9.6 lbs or 4.3544 kilograms for our neighbors up north. That means I lost as much as the panda cub at the top of the page. Think about that, naysayers. From now on, I'm going to include a weight-related top 5 with every update post, so without further ado:
Top 5 fat video game characters:

5) E. Honda (Street Fighter 2): Probably the most prolific fat video game playable character who isn't a horrible stereotype of fat people or an over-the top villain. Not to mention he has one of the most annoying move sets of any fight based character ever created (just keep hitting the punch button). Not to mention he can fly through the air with no problem.

4) Dr. Eggman (Sonic Series): Dr. Robotnik personifies how fat people can overcome their weight with over-the-top gagetry. A nice touch is the fact that I don't believe you ever actually see him move outside of one of his vehicles.

3) Pac-Man/Kirby: Both given the "I can eat as much as I want and will remain only somewhat overweight" award.

2) John Madden: This guy has made a franchise out of coming into a studio, recording 25 statements about football and doing nothing else. The face of the most popular sports franchise and he doesn't have to do any work. Kudos, John.

1) Mario: The face of nintendo and the most well-known pure video game character in the world. Despite running and jumping everwhere, and only eating mushrooms, he appears to maintain his overwieght stature.

First Recap from the Desk of the Commissioner

Gentlemen and readers,



After reviewing your first week's posts, I am disappointed by the amount of erotic hiakus written. This week, I will expect an acrostic written using the words "FINGER IN THE BUTT." Do not disappoint.

Now, on to some stats. For the first four days, if this data is correct, Jay has only eaten 2730 calories FOR FOUR DAYS. Based on my research, a standard day to hold at your starting weight is 2817 calories. MEANING, you've eaten less than one day's worth of food across four, which doesn't seem solid. Perhaps this might interest you: Click here, asshole.

However, your cardio start seems like its off in a good direction. Might I suggest starting with a benchmark each week, and working towards an overall goal. Perhaps, three days next week of exercise where you run for one minute, followed by 10 minutes of jogging for 30 minutes. Then, next week, move to 90 seconds, followed by 8 minutes of jogging, etc. It would help just to be able to see the results as you move towards them.

Or don't. Fuck you.

Bryan, your stasis calorie counter is set at 2570 (based on where you work, and with zero exercise). Over four days, you've eaten 6040 calories, cutting your calorie content by about 40% (moreso considering exercise). I still contend you're spreading yourself too thin, but your spread of food throughout the day seems in line with how you're supposed to do it (small meals throughout the day). I would also suggest setting a weekly goal for your exercise, and then treating yourself when you reach it.

I will point out though that alcohol is essentially sabotage for this game. So, if you continue drinking, you're giving Jay free calories.

Please continue to post your thoughts and experiences throughout the week, and your meals. I've ordered a new computer which will be here shortly, so maybe we can try some multimedia interviews in July.

Finally, I leave you with this:

Foreign bodies
Inserted into my
Nether regions cause
Great duress and
Emotion. But, is it
Really that much worse than an

Insanely large turd?
Nay. It's simply

The process in reverse.
Huge turd
Exits, causing relief.

But first a great deal of pain.
Ultimately,
Taking it in the ass is like a backwards poop.
Thank you.